Manowar

A man walks into a bank and says " OK, this is a Screw-Up! " the teller says " Don't you mean a Stick-Up. " the man says " No, a Screw-Up, I forgot my gun."

daemonsage420

I made a thread for jokes already but I kinda deleted it.

Here's one that I had posted.

"They said the only meat a priest could eat on Friday was Nun."

You might find it offensive but it's funny.

Manowar

That's a good one, I'm not religious, and even if I was I'd still have a sense of humor, I think...lol

daemonsage420

A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.
"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".
"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"
GOD says, "So you would like them."
"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"
"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.
The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"
GOD says, "So they would love you!"

That's a blow to my ego, but funny nonetheless.

Check out this one too:

A New York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

Heheheheh......

Here's another:

God looks down and notices that Adam is all alone while all the animals have companions, so he decides to create a companion for man as well. He comes to see Adam and says to him, "Adam, you are my greatest creation and therefore, I am going to create for you the ultimate companion. She will worship the very ground you walk on, she will long for you and no other, she will be highly intelligent, she will wait on you hand and foot and obey your every command, she will be beautiful, and all it will cost you is an arm and a leg." Thinking for a few moments, Adam replies, "What could I get for a rib?"

And another:

A minister told his congregation, "Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and said, "Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with my sermon on the sin of lying."

Heheheheheh......

Neo Zelda

Those are hilarious daemon. Ok I've got one.

There's a blonde, brunette, and redheaded girl. They rob a bank but get caught for it. Becasue they had shot three people in the robbery they were to be sentenced to death. So they placed to brunette on a wall and said "ready, aim,...." and the brunette shouted "tornado!!" They all turned to look and she got away. So then they lined up the redhead and said "ready, aim,..." and she screamed "tidlewave!!!" then she also got away. So finally they lined up the blonde and they said "ready, aim..." She then screamed "FIRE!!"

I think that's pretty funny.

__________________


knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens -Jimi Hendrix

daemonsage420

Oooh, that had to have not been a pretty sight. That was pretty funny.

Neo Zelda

And another:

two guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks.

__________________


knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens -Jimi Hendrix

daemonsage420

I didn't quite get that one....

Neo Zelda

Not a drinking bar. Like a metal bar. They ran into it. But the third one ducked under it. Get it?

__________________


knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens -Jimi Hendrix

daemonsage420

Yeah. Now I feel stupid. How could I not have gotten that.



The below excerpts appeared in the Salt Lake Tribune. They were taken from real court records:

Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?

Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?

The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Were you alone or by yourself?

Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?

Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Now then, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I'll be three months on March 12th.
Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was around January 12th?
A: Yes.
Q: What were you doing at that time?

Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Was that the same nose you broke as a child?

Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

So, you were gone until you returned?

You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.

A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, "Your Honor, I'd like to strike the next question."

Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined that body of Mr. Huntington at St. Mary's Hospital?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 5:30 P.M.
Q: And Mr. Huntington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, you idiot, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was performing an autopsy on him!

Neo Zelda

^Those are hilarious. Oh my goodness how'd you not get that joke? Juss kiddin I didn't get it the first time someone told it to me.

__________________


knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens -Jimi Hendrix

Manowar

Those are some hilarious jokes, let me see if I can contribute :

A man goes to the red light district and has sex with an oriental woman. The next morning the man gets up and has massive pain in his groin area. The man goes to his local doctor and the doctor says " Sir, we're going to have to amputate " the man says " Oh no, I'd rather die than live without my (male organ) so the man leaves the doctors office and is walking around all depressed. He then says to himself " Hey it was an oriental woman, let me go to an oriental doctor ". So he goes to an oriental doctor and the doctor looks and says " Did you go to an American doctor and what did he say ? " the man replies " Yes I went, and he said he'd have to amputate " the oriental doctor says " Oh no, we're not gonna have to amputate". The man says " Oh, thank god " the oriental doctor then says " Yea, 2 or 3 days, thats gonna fall off by itself..."


Here's another :


A young couple go into an old Colonial Cemetary to have sex on the flat tombstones. The next day the female is complaining of back pain. She goes to her doctor and the doctor says " Please remove your clothes so I can examine your back " as the doctor is examning her back he asks her " How old are you?" the woman replies " 21, why do you ask? " the doctor replies " Because it says on your azz you died in 1876."



Keep this going it's crackin' me up...lmao

Zeraph

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."

So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."

The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."

Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."

I dot dat waz funni, mein.

daemonsage420